Happy holidays and here we go…
Submitted by Kevin
United flight from Chicago (ORD) to Denver (DEN)
Pilot (after taxing to the gate for ten minutes): Let me know if you guys see something that looks like an airport.
Southwest flight from Denver (DEN) to Albuquerque (ABQ)
Flight Attendant: Chances are they’re all middle seats. Find the one with the most attractive people, and take it.
Submitted by LindaB in Atlanta, GA
Flight from Atlanta (ATL) to Phoenix (PHX)
The flight attendant recalled that back when they allowed a diaper bag in addition to your carry on and personal item, a woman boarded with a roll-aboard, a briefcase AND a diaper bag. The flight attendant stopped her and said “ma’am…only 2 items are allowed” at which point the passenger pointed out she was carrying a diaper bag, which was exempt from the rule. Only problem, spotted by the astute flight attendant, was the woman was missing a baby!
Submitted by Paul in NY, NY
Flight from Zurich to JFK (Swiss)
Male Passenger 1 – I hate when I’m assigned to work for Susan, she is a complete b****. She needs to take a vacation and reset.
Female Passenger 1 – Screw the vacation, she needs to take this weekend, find a man, and …
Submitted by Aaron in Philadelphia, PA
US Airways Flight from Washington, DC (DCA) to Charlotte (CLT)
Flight Attendant: Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks are in the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or other adults acting like children.
Submitted by Eric in Rockland, NY
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After reaching a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom:
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to your nonstop flight from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax…Oh No, Look out!!!
Silence followed, and after a minute or two the captain came back on the intercom
Pilot: Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant brought me a cup of very hot coffee, which ended up spilling in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!
Passenger in Coach: That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine!