Confessions of a Fed-Up Flight Attendant #13 – The Worst People on the Plane

With the metal tongs we use to serve bread we moved the exposed body part back into his pants! He didn’t feel a thing.

Betty continues spilling her secrets. Thanks to Mark from Yahoo! for sharing a new weekly series called “Confessions of A Fed-Up Flight Attendant” written by “Betty”.  Below is the 13th entry from the series, you can check out the full post here and a new one each Monday.

Things We Just Can’t Do for You – One flight I was on had a particularly robust passenger. So robust, in fact, that he purchased three seats. He was nice enough and the flight went along smoothly, until he got up to use the restroom. Airplane bathrooms are small for average-sized people. If you are a person who needs three seats, that airplane bathroom will not be OK for you.  He managed to get in and shut the door. Five minutes later, the flight attendant call bell from inside the bathroom rang. A petite flight attendant responded to the call bell and asked if the passenger was OK. He opened the door a bit and said he needed help wiping because he couldn’t reach. This attendant frantically waved her hand in front of her mouth and said, “Oh, no, sir: We only do food and beverage …  only food and beverage!”

The Mouse Is Out of the House – On flights to Las Vegas, passengers get incredibly excited for the debauchery that lies ahead. This usually makes them drink too much. This one drunk guy went to the back of the airplane to use the restroom.  In his drunken state, he didn’t lock the door.  While he was in the restroom, he passed out, fell backward, and ended up lying flat on the galley floor. The flight attendants heard a thud and rushed to see what happened.  Because of what he was attempting to do in the bathroom, his fly was still down and his privates were exposed. The two flight attendants stood over him, discussing what to to. “Let him sleep it off,” one said.  “We can’t leave him exposed,” said another. “I’m not going to touch it!” said a third.  This went on for some time. They really needed to get back to the beverage service. They finally decided to get the long metal tongs that we use to serve bread in first class to  move the exposed body part back into his pants! He didn’t feel a thing.

An Unreasonable Solution – One day as I was walking down the aisle checking passengers, I noticed a very large woman traveling with her pet Chihuahua. The dog was out of the carrier and sitting on her lap. Rules are rules, so I told her that animals have to stay in their carriers. Without saying a word, she looked at me, then she looked at the dog, and then she picked up the Chihuahua and tucked the tiny dog into her very ample bosom. The dog fit there very nicely and seemed comfortable. So I looked at her and looked at the dog and said, “Well, I guess technically … that would qualify as a carrier.”

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