Don’t Ask Flight Attendants these 10 Questions

After 13 editions of “Confessions of a Fed-Up Flight Attendant”, we never stumbled upon which of those in-flight questions cause flight attendants to completely lose their cool..until now:

1. “Am I going to make my connection?”
Well, let’s see… we just collected your empty cup, it’s 1:15 p.m., and your connecting flight leaves at 1:20 p.m. Let’s shake the old Magic 8 Ball here aaaaaaand… signs point to “No.”

2. “Why can’t I use the first-class bathroom?”
Because if we let anyone just use it, it wouldn’t be the first-class bathroom.

3. “Why do I have to check my bag?”
Simple. This entire plane if full of a**holes who stuffed the overhead bins with winter coats and pet rock collections. Maybe they’ll all chip in for your bag fee.

4. “Do you know if this meal is gluten free?”
The answer to this question is always “yes.” That “sensitivity” to gluten, it’s in your head.

5. “Why isn’t there a movie, Wi-Fi, or entertainment?”
Because there’s not. If you take a look at our in-flight magazine, however, you’ll find a lovely list of America’s best steakhouses and a flattering profile of Wichita. We hear Kansas is beautiful this time of year.

6. “Why are we delayed?”
Look out the window. See how the tarmac resembles Lambeau Field in January? Maybe that’s why. Maybe.

7. “So, are you in the mile-high club?”
Right now, I’m strangely jealous of the women at the bar who you use such stupid lines on. At least they can smack you.

8. “What are we flying over?”
Brown stuff. Or blue stuff. Or black stuff with yellow dots. One of those.

9. “Will you help me lift my bag?”
Because of workers comp rules we’re not allowed to, but a word of advice to help you avoid this problem in the future: CHECK YOUR LARGE BAGS! It only costs $25, and from the smell of your breath, it’s clear you just dropped at least that much at the airport bar.

10. “Do you have anything for my child to eat?”
When you booked the flight, did you somehow forgot that your small child needs to dine around this time? Stellar parenting, well done. Have some cheddar stick snack mix.

Thanks to Thrillist for sharing the above. Check out their full entry for 11 more questions not to ask your flight attendant!

Related –

• Confessions of a Pilot #1: Debunking the Biggest Air Travel Myths
• Confessions of a Pilot #2: We Fly Blind!
• Confessions of a Pilot #3: Weirdo Pilots Edition – Smelly, Paranoid, and Narcoleptic…
• 30 Pilots and Flight Attendants Confess their “Best Kept Flying Secrets”
• 16 Alarming Airline Secrets
• Confessions of a Fed-Up Flight Attendant: #1 – Attack of the Ambien Zombies
• Confessions of a Fed-Up Flight Attendant: #2 – More Nudity & Sleeping Pills
• Confessions of a Fed-Up Flight Attendant: #3 – The 15 Most Ridiculous Things People Say on a Plane
• Confessions of a Fed-Up Flight Attendant #4 –11 Strangest Things People Ask for on a Plane
• Confessions of a Fed-Up Flight Attendant #5 – What Happens in the Bathroom Doesn’t Stay in the Bathroom!
• Confessions of a Fed-Up Flight Attendant #6 – 15 Flying Tips That’ll Keep You Sane this Summer
• Confessions of a Fed-Up Flight Attendant #7 – Fecal Matter & Maxi Pads
• Confessions of a Fed-Up Flight Attendant #8 –  Wheelchair Gaming the System
• Confessions of a Fed-Up Flight Attendant #9 – Peeing in Cups & Breastfeeding Cats
• Confessions of a Fed-Up Flight Attendant #10 – Drunks on a Plane
• Confessions of a Fed-Up Flight Attendant #11 – Tales From the Mile High Club
• Confessions of a Fed-Up Flight Attendant #12 – Smells on a Plane
• Confessions of a Fed-Up Flight Attendant #13 – The Worst People on the Plane
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• What Do Flight Attendants Think of You…and your requests?
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• How Much Do Singapore Airlines Flight Attendants Get Paid for Providing Great Service?
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